The Joke Thread

[gillsfan1066]

A General Knowledge exam had a student thinking when he wrote down the following answers to these questions.
1) In which battle did Davey Crockett die.........answer ,.......HIS LAST.
2) What is the main reason for divorce..............................Marriage
3) What can you never eat for breakfast............................Lunch and Dinner.
4) How can a man go 8 days without sleeping.....................No problem ,he sleeps at night.
5) If it took 8 men 10 hours to build a wall ,
how long would it take 4 men to build it........................No time at all ,it's already built.
6) What looks like half an apple......................................The other half.
7) Where was The Magna Carta signed...............................At the bottom.

[CadburyMan]

My favourite teacher back in school was Mrs Turtle.

Funny name, but she tortoise well.

[gillsfan1066]

Teacher.......Jimmy you missed school yesterday didn't you ?
Jimmy.........No ,not really.
Teacher......Robby, tell me the longest sentence you can think of.
Robby........Life imprisonment !

[CadburyMan]

Welsh police have issued an alert after a number of people have been attacked by a gang of men using fence posts

They have asked everybody to keep an eye open for the Tenby four

[gillsfan1066]

The past,present and future walk into a bar...........it was tense.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.......no joke.
Saying " I am sorry " is the same as saying " I apologize "........unless your at a funeral.

[CadburyMan]

My wife said that I thought more about football than I did about her.

I said' that's a bit unfair; how many seasons have we been together?"

[CadburyMan]

It's my birthday this weekend and I received a card through the post today.

Opened it up and a Yorkshire pudding fell out!!

It was from Aunt Bessie.

[gillsfan1066]

I had dinner in a new restaurant that opened near us, really nice place, great wine menu, red and white checkered table clothes, and the guy I had dinner with Ray is a State Chess Champion . I had to send the food back several times because the food kept getting cold while I waited for him to pass me the salt.

[CadburyMan]

Took my wife to the orchard for her birthday.

Apparently, it wasn't the Apple watch she was expecting.

[CadburyMan]

8000 steps was my target this morning, then I popped into Spoons to use the toilet.

Ended up doing 12000