The Joke Thread

[gillsfan1066]

Feeling a little homesick I went to the bar the other night, had a brewski or two , chatting to my mate when a couple of pretty big women as in PRETTY BIG, came in and sat at the bar, and we noticed they had an accent. He is into chubby chicks so I said go and buy them a drink, tell them I am from the UK, and ask them if there from Northern Ireland ? So off he goes, says hello girls , can I buy you a drink , are you from Ireland ?
One of them looked at him rather nastaly ,chirped It's Wales you idiot. He did a quick apology and said are you two Whales from Ireland . Luckily the ambulances station is less than a mile away from the bar, so he had not lost a lot of blood by the time they got there.

[CadburyMan]

1066 I saw the same two girls in the shopping centre.
I said ‘you two look like sisters’
They giggled and said ’yes we are’
I said ’ so why isn’t Cinderella with you’?

[CadburyMan]

The missus said, "You know if I ever got Alzheimer's, I would go in a home rather than be a burden to you."

I said, "That's the 5th time you told me that today!"

[gillsfan1066]

Hahaha. Did you know that when a woman wears a short leather dress it does various things to the male of the species. A) it makes his heart beat faster,.... B) His throat goes dry..... C) He gets weak in the knees...and if she starts teasing him by slowly pulling the hem up ,..... D) He starts to think completely irrationally.............and have you ever wondered why...........its because she smells like a new Italian Golf Bag .

[CadburyMan]

Damn Amazon and Black Friday.

I ordered four Kindles and they sent me a "Two Ronnies" DVD.

[gillsfan1066]

Times have been a bit tough here financially over the past few months, but I met this really good looking much younger woman and we went for dinner last night. I picked her up at her folks place where she lives and we went to this real nice ( read expensive ) restaurant.
She ordered Shrimp Cocktail, Steak and Lobster and not a glass but a bottle of champagne, wow I was trying to keep track of the bill.
Somewhat sarcastically I asked her, " does your Mother feed you like this at home " ?
"No" she said smiling at me, "but then my Mother doesn't expect to have sex with me in the car on the way home ".
Sheepishly I said " would you care for dessert honey " ?

[CadburyMan]

I saw a fit looking Girl busking in town earlier today.

She had a great voice, and an even better pair of legs, emphasised by the short leather skirt she was wearing.

"Any Requests"..??? She asked the watching crowd.

"Your Thong," I replied with a Wink.

Everyone in the crowd gasped in Horror, and the girl slapped me hard across the face.

It's tough being an Elton John fan with a Lithp.

[gillsfan1066]

Hahahahaha, but I do like that track on the new Elton John Album Cold Heart with Dooher Lipths or whatever her name is.

[CadburyMan]

Coming home from visiting some friends the other night my wife asked me to park the car in the driveway for her.

Admittedly, it is a bit of a tight fit.

After I'd done it, she asked me,

"How on earth did you do that?"

I decided to let her in on my little secret.

"There's a small mark that I painted on the wall over there"

I then pointed out the mark to her.

Then I explained that I just back up until that mark lines up with the left hand wing mirror.

At that point I simply turn the steering wheel sharply over to the right and continue on and the car fits in perfectly.

"Understand?"

I asked.

"No,"

She said,

"How did you make it go backwards?"

[CadburyMan]

Holding a poll to find everyone's favourite character in Shakespeare's Hamlet,

Yorick's just a head